The idea that good friends or good leaders are rare suggests that we may not be good ourselves.
Everyone tends to believe that someone else is the problem, given the subjective nature of human perception. People are more likely to notice the faults of others while overlooking their own.
Many become emotional when they hear statements like “there are no good friends” or “reliable friends are scarce,” inadvertently creating the impression that they themselves may not be any better. Those who are quick to point out the faults of others may, in reality, possess similar flaws. Leaders often blame their followers for challenges, while followers believe that leadership is the issue.
Similarly, within families, siblings, uncles, and cousins frequently feel that their relatives are not doing enough to support them. This prevailing sentiment contributes to the perception of leadership failure, disappointment, and even betrayal—sometimes from key supporters of a candidate.
In almost every sphere of success, particularly in business and politics, it is common for the biggest supporters of an individual to turn against them—either openly or secretly. A notable example is Buba Galadima, who rose to prominence as a key supporter of former President Muhammadu Buhari but eventually became one of his most apparent critics. Many similar instances reinforce the perception that good friends are rare—whether this belief is justified or not.
However, care must be taken when expressing opinions about the scarcity of true friendships, as we might be indirectly indicting ourselves. After all, we are also friends to many. If we isolate ourselves by claiming that good friends are rare and focus on blaming others, we fail to recognize that we too may fall short in friendship. It is impossible for everyone to be at fault without considering the societal norms, values, and standards that have shaped prevailing attitudes and behaviors.
Factors Contributing to the Perception of Scarcity in Friendships
1. Unrealistic Expectations Among Friends
One key observation is the high or unrealistic expectations people have of friendships. Economic challenges have made many individuals vulnerable and in need of financial or emotional support. Consequently, those who are doing moderately well often find themselves overwhelmed by numerous friends and relatives seeking help. This can lead to resentment, as people in desperate situations tend to be subjective and self-focused, struggling to acknowledge that their needs are not the only ones requiring attention.
2. Failure to Acknowledge Changing Times
Another factor is the inability to recognize the reality of changing times. Old friends often feel offended when they are no longer called or visited as frequently, failing to account for the evolving responsibilities and commitments of others. Marriage, career growth, and new social circles naturally alter the dynamics of friendships.
For instance, women may find it challenging to maintain friendships after marriage due to family pressures, distance, and changing schedules. Similarly, old classmates must realize that life brings new priorities, and the absence of frequent interactions does not necessarily diminish the value of past friendships. Unfortunately, envy, pride, and emotions sometimes cause individuals to assume that former friends have changed due to status rather than life circumstances.
3. Contradictory Societal Values
Another enabler of the perception that good friends are rare is the contradictory nature of societal values. Many people impose high expectations on their friends, associates, and even classmates—pressuring them to maintain a certain lifestyle that reflects their new social status.
For example, some friends expect others to upgrade their phones, cars, clothing, or accommodation to match their perceived success. However, they fail to consider that these pressures do not automatically generate extra income for their friends to assist others. A common criticism in my constituency against a past House of Representatives member was his failure to build a personal house despite holding office for several years. Such expectations, often unrealistic, contribute to dissatisfaction and resentment in friendships.
Several psychological and sociological theories help explain why people believe good friends are rare, such as
Social Exchange Theory & Cognitive Biases which suggest that People assess friendships based on perceived costs and rewards, often focusing on losses rather than gains.
Attachment Theory on the other hand, stated that different attachment styles influence how individuals perceive and maintain relationships.
While, Social Capital & Social Comparison Theories believe that the value placed on social networks and comparisons with others shape how friendships are perceived.
Urbanization & Technological Advancements: Increased social isolation and digital interactions can diminish the quality of face-to-face friendships.
Online connections may lead to a devaluation of deeper, in-person relationships, reinforcing the belief that true friends are scarce. Additionally, cultural norms influence how friendships are formed and maintained.
Moreover, human psychology plays a critical role in shaping our views on friendship:
For instance, Negativity Bias: People tend to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones, making betrayals or disappointments more memorable.
Availability Heuristic suggests the tendency to overestimate the importance of information that readily comes to mind makes negative interactions seem more significant than positive ones.
Zeigarnik Effect: Individuals remember unfinished tasks and negative experiences more vividly than completed or positive ones, leading to a skewed perception of friendships.
Social Identity Theory: People often highlight the faults of others while downplaying their own, reinforcing the belief that good friends are rare.
Conclusively, while there is evidence of rising discontentment in friendships—due to justifiable and unjustifiable reasons—the belief that good friends are rare is, in part, a reflection of our own biases. We must recognize that we, too, are friends to many, and if the claim that “good friends are scarce” is widespread, then we are likely not exempt from this judgment.
Beyond individual attitudes, broader societal factors—such as economic hardship, shifting priorities, and unrealistic expectations—contribute to disappointments and perceived betrayals in friendships. Whether in politics, business, marriage, or professional relationships, the reality remains that in a society where almost everyone needs some form of help, it is impossible to satisfy all expectations continuously. Disappointment among friends, therefore, becomes inevitable.
Therefore, rather than focusing solely on human flaws, we should consider the systemic and cultural factors that contribute to these perceptions. By understanding these complexities, we can move toward fostering healthier, more realistic friendships that are not solely based on material expectations or emotional dependencies.
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