I visited a friend two weeks ago. He had come from Kaduna for the same wedding I attended. He stayed indoors almost the entire time, before and after the ceremony, and I got curious. I asked about his wife. He said, “I came alone with the children,” and I caught myself saying, “No wonder.” You begin to understand what women do for us, and he quickly replied, “That is right.”
We couldn’t have a smooth conversation. Distractions and interruptions kept coming. He would leave the parlour to check on the kids, tell the older ones what to do after helping the younger ones bathe, settle quarrels, decide what clothes they would wear, raise his voice when play got too rough, and take the children with him everywhere he went. I had no choice but to give him space to stay focused.
Later, I checked his social media and realized he had been almost absent during that period. It hit me: while many men are busy fighting endlessly online, Nigerian women are preparing the food those men will eat after their cyber crusades. They keep the children in check, provide care, settle conflicts, help with homework, and take the kids along wherever they go.
This daily work has no holidays and no rest. A mother only rests when the children are in school, and what about working mothers?
Sometimes days pass before my spouse opens her social media. I’ll say, “You don’t take your phone seriously. What if there’s an important message from work?” And who can pick up a phone when children surround you asking to play games or watch videos? As soon as their presence becomes overwhelming, I chase them away to go play, which indirectly means, “go to your mother.”
In case you wonder why most women aren’t visibly active on social media daily, here is one reason.
I’ve heard stories of men divorcing their wives, and in those emotional moments, the woman will say, “Go and take care of the child too.” That is not a task for a man who can hardly stay with children 24 hours, watching and coordinating. In fact, the best such men do is start calling their sisters or relatives. That fight for supremacy begins when a man fails to appreciate a woman’s work.
My in-laws called to ask my position because they’ve tried reaching my spouse without success. She’s either in the kitchen, doing house chores, or managing the children.
This is perhaps what made me curious when I saw the list of applicants for an overseas scholarship in a northern state. It was populated with male names, even though it looked like an opportunity everyone would jump at. My first reaction was:
As expected, not a single female name appeared on the list of interested candidates for overseas scholarship.
It is hardly surprising. Many cannot simply leave their husbands and children behind._
In many ways, women continue to bear a disproportionate share of domestic responsibilities, which limits their participation and reinforces their position as a vulnerable group.
I know many women who need it and are qualified.
But the question comes: how many of us would readily support a single lady traveling abroad for postgraduate studies, amid fears she might “lose her place” in the marriage market? And even when she becomes a bride, expectations don’t ease. She is still required to devote herself endlessly to her husband and children, as tradition demands.
I would also want her close, I admit with a smile.
It’s well, I concluded.
These choices must be made by women carefully at critical stages. It is indeed true that women make a home. Without them, it becomes a house, lacking normalcy, completeness, and often boring.
In case you also wonder why most women abandon close friendships and can’t check on others regularly as they did when single, it is still the sacrifice they make to keep their men and children and focus on the family.
I remember when elders would say of a restless girl, “Let her present a man for husband,” and before you knew it, no one needed to tell her to calm down. As many now confess on social media: “Marriage is not easy.”
We should never fail to recognize the invisible sacrifice of those who make it possible for most men to stay online, engage in political arguments, and fight endlessly. For behind any successful man, there is a woman who helps things work.
All hail Nigerian women.
Bagudu can be reached via bagudumohammed15197@gmail.com or 07034943575.
