Sibling relationships are one of the most defining, yet most neglected, aspects of our mental health. We often talk about the effects of broken homes, absentee parents, or toxic relationships, but rarely do we address the emotional impact of growing up with siblings and how these early dynamics shape our identities, influence our self-worth, and affect our interactions with the world as adults. Sibling relationships are layered with unspoken tensions, comparisons, and hidden wounds that, if left unaddressed, can deeply affect how we live our lives and relate to each other in adulthood.
From the moment the firstborn enters the world, they inherit an unspoken responsibility the role of deputy parent. When a parent dies, leaves, or is otherwise absent, the firstborn often becomes the glue holding the family together. They step into a role of authority and care long before they’re emotionally prepared for it. Many of these eldest children grow up carrying the weight of their siblings’ well-being on their shoulders, learning to suppress their own needs in favor of maintaining the family unit. As adults, they may pull away from their siblings, exhausted from a lifetime of responsibility, feeling they’ve done enough. They retreat not because they want to abandon their family, but because they’ve reached a point where the burden is simply too heavy to bear any longer. How often do we speak about this exhaustion? How often do we address the silent resentment or sense of duty that firstborns carry?
And then there’s the middle child caught in a space of invisibility. They exist between the high expectations placed on the firstborn and the special attention lavished on the lastborn. The middle child often feels overlooked, struggling to carve out an identity in the shadow of their siblings. Their achievements, though significant, are frequently overshadowed by the milestones of their older or younger counterparts. They grow up learning to fend for themselves, often with little validation or acknowledgment from their parents. The consequence? Many middle children enter adulthood feeling they had to fight for every ounce of recognition they received. This can lead to emotional isolation or a sense of bitterness toward family members who they feel never truly saw them. They may distance themselves from their siblings, believing they’ve been neglected or overlooked for too long.
The lastborn child faces a different struggle. Often seen as the baby of the family, they are coddled and protected in ways their older siblings never were. This protective bubble, while comforting in childhood, can become a crutch in adulthood. Many last-borns grow up without ever having to navigate the world on their own, leaving them unprepared for the harsh realities of adult life. When life throws challenges their way whether in relationships, work, or personal growth they may falter, turning to their siblings for help. But instead of receiving unconditional support, they may encounter resentment from the very siblings who feel they were always given an easier path. This dependency can breed conflict, with lastborns struggling to find their footing while their siblings wonder why they can’t seem to stand on their own.
Within families, comparison is inevitable. There is always the academically gifted child who brings home straight As and is celebrated by their parents, while the sibling who struggles with schoolwork quietly fades into the background. The athletic sibling excels in sports, winning trophies and accolades, while the sibling with no physical prowess watches from the sidelines, internalizing a sense of inadequacy. Physical appearance also plays a role: the tall brother who draws attention from girls leaves the shorter brother feeling invisible, the slim sisters are admired while the plus-sized sister is shunned, and the light-skinned sibling basks in societal approval while the darker-skinned sibling feels overlooked. These comparisons, whether intentional or not, leave deep emotional scars that persist into adulthood.
As we grow older, the roles we played in childhood often follow us. The once-promising child who excelled in school may now be struggling, while the sibling no one expected to succeed has thrived. These reversals of fortune can create tension within families, as siblings grapple with their shifting identities. The sibling who was once the family’s star now struggles to find their place, while the sibling who was overlooked becomes the family’s success story. How do siblings relate to each other when their expectations of each other have changed so drastically?
These unspoken dynamics often lead to estrangement. Firstborns, worn down from years of responsibility, may choose to walk away from their family, feeling that they’ve given all they can. Middle children, embittered by years of feeling invisible, may sever ties with siblings who they believe never valued them. Lastborns, unable to cope with the challenges of adulthood, may spiral into destructive behavior, leaving their siblings to pick up the pieces. And in the midst of it all, parents may remain unaware of the emotional damage their actions or inactions have caused.
Yet despite the deep emotional wounds siblings often inflict on each other, there is very little discussion about sibling therapy. We have therapy for failed marriages, therapy for parental issues, and therapy for personal trauma, but where is the therapy for siblings? Imagine a setting where all the children in a family sit down together, not to rehash old arguments, but to genuinely discuss how they feel about each other, about their childhood, and about the unresolved pain they’ve carried into adulthood. What if siblings could confront the trauma they’ve experienced whether from favoritism, neglect, or comparison and begin the process of healing together?
And what about the parents? What if the very people who shaped these sibling dynamics were held accountable for the emotional impact of their actions? Imagine a setting where parents are asked to reflect on how their behavior whether intentional or not created feelings of inadequacy, resentment, or favoritism among their children. This isn’t about assigning blame, but about fostering understanding and creating a space for healing.
Sibling therapy could be revolutionary. It could allow families to confront their shared history, acknowledge the pain that has gone unspoken for years, and begin the process of healing not just as individuals, but as a family unit. By addressing the emotional complexities of sibling relationships, we could create stronger, more resilient families, where each member feels seen, heard, and valued.
It’s time to start talking about sibling therapy. The emotional scars left by sibling dynamics are real, and they deserve to be acknowledged. If we truly want to foster mental health and emotional well-being, we need to start looking at the family as a whole and that includes the siblings. Healing begins with a conversation, and it’s time we give siblings the space to heal, together.
Stephanie Shaakaa
University of Agriculture, Makurdi, Benue state
she can be reached via shaakaastephanie@yahoo.com
