“I am tired! I cannot claim to understand this country any more! What should be, is not! What should not, is what is! Can someone please tell me what is happening before I go nuts!”
“You better not go nuts – in your own interest! Your going nuts changes nothing. What gan-gan is your problem?
“My problem or our problem? See the way you talk as if you are not affected by what is happening!”
“For your information, I have developed a thick skin about happenings around me…”
“Even in a country that many have described as the…”
“Whatever they like, let them describe it! Do you still remember the Ajegunle musician called Daddy Showkey?”
“Oh my goodness! You like trivializing serious matters! Why Ajegunle and its ragged musicians in a serious matter like…?”
:”When a situation jaga-jaga like we have in the country today, you must take solace in musicians like Daddy Showkey and Eedris Abdulkareem: ‘Nigeria jaga-jaga/Everything scatter-scatter/Poor man dey suffer-suffer.’ However, Eedris (2004) and Showkey (2011) came before their time.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nigeria never really jaga-jaga when Eedris sang his song. And if Showkey is still in Ajegunle or wherever, ask him to sing that song again:’ If you see my Mama/Hossana/Tell am say o/Hosanna/I dey for Lagos/Hosanna/I no geti problem/Hosanna.’”
“I see! Where in Nigeria today can anyone say he no get am for flenty-flenty froblem? If you must pay before hanging solar in your house…”
“Ooooh! It’s like we keep jumping from frying pan into fire, like Atiku, Obi and Kwankwaso appear to be doing. Sometimes, we weep before we see cry, as they say. Things don’t get better here. Today’s worst era may become the golden age of tomorrow.”
“Pessimism of the highest order! You don’t think we should plead with Tinubu to take pity on Atiku and Obi? How can we possibly continue like this?”
“Tinubu does not look like someone who will repeat the same mistake Atiku made in 2003 when he cornered Obasanjo but let him off the hook. Leave the political gladiators alone. As for you, develop a thick skin to whatever is happening around you to keep your sanity intact. Otherwise…”
“Otherwise wetin? If things are not going well and we cannot do anything about it – and still we cannot talk about it, what, then, is the very essence of living?”
“First of all, you have to outlive things that seek to pai you so that you can tell the story yourself. To do that, you need to understand that many of our leaders don’t care if they pai all of us for as long as the resources are there for them and those around them to enjoy…”
“That is another level of pessimism! Without a people, there can be no rulers…”
“Oh, so you don’t know that wicked rulers prefer to rule over the living dead? That is why they weaponize poverty…”
“No, no, no! You have hijacked and diverted this discussion! My interest is why the people leaving the Tinubu administration are not the real ones we want out of the way…”
“En-hen? You mean people like who?”
“Amupitan, of course! For goodness sake, why is Amupitan not leaving? Why?”
“Simple! Because it makes no sense for him to leave!”
“How do you mean? With all the outcry against his continued stay in office? With all the evidence pointing to his partiality…”
“Listen! When Amupitan is removed, the same Tinubu will appoint a replacement; or is it Atiku or Obi that will appoint a replacement?”
“No!”
“And the new person must be a Nigerian. The same National Assembly will screen and confirm him. We are not bringing someone from the Moon. An angel is not descending from heaven to occupy the position. At the end of the day, Amupitan’s replacement, if Tinubu ever listens to you guys, may even be worse than Amupitan. Ever heard of the saying: The devil you know…”
“So, we are helpless and our situation is hopeless in an administration that wears RENEWED HOPE like a badge?”
“Not really! My take is that it will be hard – almost impossible – to find an informed Nigerian without an opinion on the politics of this country. What is needed is to ensure that whoever is put in any position rises above his personal views and opinions to act impartially, without fear or favour, and regardless whose ox is gored.”
“I see!”
“That is why they take oath of allegiance and oath of office. It is when a public officer fails to live up to the oath that he can be dragged…”
“And you think Amupitan has not breached his oath of office of impartiality…”
“He still has the cover of the law. Technicalities will kill the judiciary if care is not taken. These days, there is hardly any pronouncement of the courts that is not interpreted either way, causing confusion everywhere…”
“And you think that will not affect the 2027 elections?”
“Of course it will! The confusion is with us already. The conflicting judgments on the Labour Party, the confusing judgments on the PDP; the complicated judgments on ADC…”
”But, tell me, why have our courts become like this?”
“Signs of the times! And you should expect things to get worse because we are in the season of long knives…”
“What is the meaning of that?”
“Elections are fast approaching and politics here always makes the entire polity look like a forest of a thousand demons. ‘Igbo Odaju. Igbo Oju Olomo o to’! Where I come from, they will also say the cocoa season of those concerned has arrived.”
“And what has cocoa got to do with it?”
“Cocoa farming being the main occupation of the people, the season when they harvest and sell their cocoa beans is when they reap bountiful harvest…”
“I see! So election time is the cocoa season of some people? But where do long knives come in?”
“Ah-aa? Did you not just say some people were leaving the government?”
“Yes, yes, yes! Finance Minister, Power Minister, Foreign Affairs, Housing, Humanitarian Affairs ministers…”
“Oooh! Some are leaving because they have been stabbed in the back – long knives. Their territories have been cornered by smarter dudes. Others are leaving to seek higher office and greener pasture…”
“Which office is higher than that of a Minister of the Federal Republic?”
“You must be a novice! A state governor is higher than a Minister; even a senator is higher than a Minister…”
“I don’t understand! In fact, I don’t agree! Some Grade A ministries, as they are called, are even more juicy than some state governments put together.”
“Maybe in the past; not any longer, especially with the humongous amounts the states collect these days from the Federation Account. A Minister answers to layers of authority above him; governors don’t. To make matters worse, the economic crunch has meant measly allocations to Ministries… ”
“Is that so?”
“Yes! If votes are approved for your ministry but actual funds are not released, like we have heard is the case, what can a Minister do? But allocations from the Federation Account must land in states from Abuja every month without fail. The monthly security votes of some state governors trump the yearly budgetary allocation of some so-called Grade A ministries put together.”
“I see! So that is why Ministers are emptying themselves into the governorship race, including those who failed miserably as ministers? Why seek a higher office if you failed in a lesser office? Or are you saying someone who failed miserably as Power minister will succeed as a state governor?”
“It depends! Did you care to take a look at the state in question and the pedigree of the would-be governorship aspirant?”
“I don’t understand!”
“You better do! The man in question has a pedigree you cannot fault. Ever heard of Penkelemesi? That is the alias of his grandfather, who was street-wise and an orator of no mean repute. He spoke an English that Ibadan never forgot. ‘What a peculiar mess!’ became Penkelemesi!”
“You don’t mean it! So ‘Peculiar mess’ is what they turned into Penkelemesi? I also heard that it was ‘Too Dirty’ that became Kudeti. Was he the one who spoke that grammar as well?”
“I don’t know about that! The politics of that place is not for the ‘akada’ or ‘turenchi’ people. Even if you are educated, you must have a commensurate dose of ‘Baba-nla were’ to stand a chance…”
“You mean ‘were’ as in real madness?
“Beeni! Penkelemesi apart, the political juggernaults of that place include Richard Akinjide aka Mr. Twelve-two-thirds; AMA Akinloye of the specially-imported champagne fame of the NPN ruinous era; the ‘eccentric’ Dr. Omololu Olunloyo; Busari Adelakun aka Eruobodo and the Oga Pata-pata of them all, Lamidi Adedibu, the Generalissimo of Ibadan politics. He was so crowned by no less a personality than a sitting president, retired Gen. Olusegun Olusegun…”
“But didn’t Ibadan also suffer from the incessant blackout that signposted the tenure of the erstwhile Power minister?”
“That may not matter if he can re-enact the Penkelemesi oratorical magic, reinstate Adedibu’s amala, ewedu and gbegiri politics; and crown it all with a large dose of the ‘Boo’le-k’a-ja’ madness that makes Ibadan politics unique…”
“Impossible!”
“Impossible wetin? The man has started already! He has been spotted controlling traffic on Ibadan roads! That is where the madness begins !”
“Akika!”
Former editor of PUNCH newspapers, Chairman of its Editorial Board and Deputy Editor-in-chief, BOLAWOLE was also the Managing Director/Editor-in-chief of The Westerner news magazine. He writes the ON THE LORD’S DAY column in the Sunday Tribune and TREASURES column in New Telegraph newspaper on Wednesdays. He is also a public affairs analyst on radio and television.
He can be reached via turnpot@gmail.com or 0807 552 5533, 0803 251 0193
