There are many dangerous things one can attempt in Nigeria:
• Arguing with LASTMA
• Driving through Apapa at noon
• Or trying to convince a Nigerian mother that you’re “full”
But at the very top of that national list of death-wish activities sits this one:
Attempting to be Wike on a day the universe needs a laugh.
The Nigerian social media space is still vibrating—yes, vibrating—after the great desecration of Abuja’s self-acclaimed landlord. Until that fateful day, Wike recognized only one god in Abuja: Wike. Certainly not Tinubu. Not the Constitution. Not even common sense.
As Minister of the FCT, he demanded to be approached the way ancient Egyptians approached Pharaoh—with fear, trembling, and possibly incense.
But alas, destiny had other plans. It delivered unto him a Nemesis wrapped neatly in a Naval uniform: Lt. Yerima, the man who fearlessly said, “Oga, park well.”
THE BIRTH OF A NATIONAL HERO (AND HUSBAND)
Within minutes of the encounter, the internet turned Lt. Yerima into Nigeria’s latest natural resource. I counted the number of beautiful women who became his “wives” online, but at some point, my calculator protested and shut down.
If you think you’re married to someone, please check again—Yerima may have married her in the comment section.
Some ladies already fixed their wedding dates. Others skipped straight to pregnancy announcements.
One particular woman married him, gave birth to triplets, and posted school graduation photos of the children all within 24 hours.
If this doesn’t convince you that AI has changed the world, you may be fossilizing into history.
BADARU, DEFENDER OF THE REALM
In another episode of this blockbuster season titled “Wike vs. Nigeria,” the Minister of Defense, Mohammed Badaru, slid into the conversation like a proud elder brother.
Although not a military man himself, he appeared with full “regimental confidence” to declare:
“At the ministry, and in the armed forces, we will always protect our officers on lawful duty.”
In plain English:
“Nobody should stress my officer again.”
Badaru displayed more esprit de corps in five seconds than some politicians have shown since 1999.
A BRUTAL REMINDER: POWER IS NOT A PERSONAL PROPERTY
Wike’s problem is simple. He behaves like Abuja is a private estate he won during a promo draw.
His attitude is a masterclass in:
✔ Volume without value
✔ Power without purpose
✔ Authority without accountability
Instead of learning from history, he seems determined to become a tedious revision note.
This incident should have been a simple traffic protocol moment. Instead, it evolved into:
• A minister slapping rule of law
• An SSS officer receiving an accidental uppercut
• A naval officer trying to prevent Nigeria from trending for the wrong reasons (again)
This is what happens when public servants confuse their job description with Greek mythology.
A public office is not Mount Olympus; you are not Zeus, thunder and lightning included.
THE FAILURE OF VIP PROTECTION
At some point, one SSS personnel attempted to restrain Wike—purely for national security reasons. Unfortunately, Wike responded with what can only be described as an unscheduled punch.
The SSS officer simply looked into the camera of life and sighed, “What exactly is my sin?”
The whole episode represents a VIP protection failure grand enough to be used in training modules titled:
“What Not To Do as a Minister.”
FROM DRAMA TO DIAGNOSIS
This clash was never just a scuffle. It was a national X-ray, revealing:
• What happens when leaders replace service with intimidation
• When governance becomes theatre
• When ministers start behaving like reality TV contestants
• And when “Oga at the top” becomes “Oga without brakes”
Wike’s behavior undermined his office more than any critic ever could. Power is not a license. Public office is not an inheritance. And due process is not optional.
Meanwhile, the allegations of land grabbing trailing him like a stubborn shadow haven’t exactly helped his “Mr. Abuja” PR campaign.
A FINAL WORD OF ADVICE
Dear Nigerians, if you ever find yourself holding public office, kindly avoid:
• Punching security officers
• Behaving like a Greek deity
• Fighting naval personnel in broad daylight
• Trending for the wrong reasons
And most importantly:
**When you wake up in the morning, remember—
that is NOT the day to be Wike.**
