At a time when domestic violence stories flood our screens, even among society’s most admired figures, it becomes clear that no social class or personality is immune from the turmoil that erupts when emotions run wild. In the midst of this storm, celebrated Nollywood actress Kate Henshaw has stepped forward with a passionate prescription for women to enroll in self-defense classes as a means of combating abuse. Her suggestion, though well-intentioned, stirs a deeper conversation about the real roots of violence and whether punches, kicks, or physical training can truly tame the wild beast of human emotion.
Recent months have witnessed heart-wrenching headlines: from actress Regina Daniels’ public feud with her husband, Senator Ned Nwoko, each accusing the other of violence and excess, to the horrific tragedy of Retiyat Haruna, the nurse alleged to have set her husband, an army doctor, ablaze in a fit of rage. Not long after, another soldier in Niger State reportedly shot his wife before turning the gun on himself. These stories, grim and familiar, reveal a disturbing national pattern — a crisis of emotion, not just of strength.
It was in this atmosphere of despair and confusion that Kate Henshaw’s voice rose, calling on women to take self-defense classes as a path to safety and empowerment. “We must learn to protect ourselves,” she urged, warning women to be proactive in the face of increasing abuse. Her advocacy earned applause from many, and rightly so, for it came from a place of compassion and concern. Yet, beneath her noble intentions lies a fragile assumption that deserves critical reflection.
Henshaw’s message, shaped by feminist conviction more than emotional analysis, risks falling into the same trap that perpetuates the very violence it seeks to end — emotional subjectivity. By framing self-defense as the best response to abuse, her argument implies that women can simply learn to fight their way out of oppression. But domestic violence is not merely a clash of physical strength; it is a war of emotions: jealousy, ego, fear, control, and unprocessed trauma. To treat it as a physical battle is to mistake thunder for rain.
One of the greatest sources of human aggression is the inability to manage emotion — to listen, to empathize, to pause before acting. Emotional intelligence, therefore, becomes the true antidote. It teaches that power is not in the fist but in restraint, that peace begins when we master the storms within us. As Daniel Goleman argued, “emotional intelligence determines how well we manage ourselves and our relationships.” No amount of martial training can equal the peace that comes from patience, tolerance, and humility.
Growing up in Minna, I vividly remember a girl in our neighborhood who could effortlessly take down three notorious Limawa boys at once. She was our hero – fearless, strong, and almost mythical. However, her strength didn’t bring peace to our community; instead, it merely shifted the fear from one group to another. This memory has stuck with me, teaching me that force, regardless of who wields it, often breeds resistance rather than reconciliation. True liberation lies not in the ability to fight back, but in the ability to defuse conflicts entirely. Moreover, this story highlights that women can be just as strong as men, and it’s time we recognize that they shouldn’t always be the ones expected to defend themselves through physical skills of self-defense
If physical power could lead to peace, then soldiers, trained, disciplined, and skilled would have the most peaceful homes. Yet, as I once explored in my article “How Safe Is It to Marry a Soldier?”, military training sometimes intensifies aggression when not balanced with emotional control. Skills intended for defense can be internalized and misused in moments of rage. The same danger applies to self-defense classes: empowering the body without enlightening the mind could turn the victim into a mirror of her oppressor.
Violence does not always come from brute strength. Some of the deepest wounds are inflicted through words, silence, manipulation, or even poison. In many homes, the battle is emotional, not physical. Thus, believing that physical defense can resolve emotional chaos is like trying to fix a storm by rearranging the clouds.
Real prevention lies in cultivating empathy, self-restraint, and emotional awareness, virtues that calm storms before they form. It is said that “two wrongs don’t make a right,” and indeed, it takes only one emotionally intelligent person to stop a conflict. A gentle word, a deliberate silence, or even a smile can dissolve tension where punches would fail. Hate, after all, breeds hate; but laughter, compassion, and forgiveness can be disarming weapons of peace.
The overemphasis on self-defense subtly transfers responsibility from the aggressor to the victim. It suggests that a woman’s safety depends on her ability to fight, rather than on society’s willingness to protect and educate. This echoes what sociologist Michael Flood describes as “the cultural normalization of male aggression,” where prevention focuses on victims rather than perpetrators. Likewise, feminist theorist bell hooks warned that gender violence is not a question of muscle but of mindset — of how patriarchy distorts love into domination and fear.
Henshawnism, if we may call it that, fails because it addresses the symptom, not the source. Teaching women to punch back will never cure the emotional illiteracy that turns homes into battlefields. Emotional intelligence, on the other hand, teaches understanding before reaction, empathy before anger, and reflection before retaliation. It is preventive, not curative, and that makes it the ultimate form of self-defense.
Even in moments when reason seems lost, in the face of drug abuse, intoxication, or mental instability — emotional intelligence remains the only steady compass. A soft word to an armed man, a calm demeanor in the presence of provocation, or a smile to disarm anger can save a life where combat skills might invite destruction. Wisdom, after all, often lies not in resistance but in restraint.
True empowerment, therefore, is not about teaching women to fight men, but about teaching humanity to fight its own emotions, the inner rage, ego, and prejudice that fuel violence. Emotional intelligence does not discriminate by gender; it is the universal skill that prevents tragedy, heals division, and sustains peace. If self-defense teaches the art of fighting, emotional intelligence teaches the art of not needing to. And that, perhaps, is the highest form of strength any society can attain.
Bagudu can be reached at bagudumohammed15197@gmail.com or on 0703 494 3575.
