As a child, one of the most fascinating gist among the masculine circle was the unshakable perception that it is the female gender that craves intimacy more than men. In fact, they would say with certainty that women cannot stay for days without it.
This is more than just groupthink or a passing myth. It lays the foundation for which men tend to suspect and believe that women have a far greater tendency to cheat in a relationship, even though visible reality suggests otherwise.
This anxiety that women are incapable of staying for days without craving intimacy becomes the premise for judgment, especially if a woman does not live in the same town with her husband, if he only returns on weekends or stays longer elsewhere to work before returning to his family. The suspicion becomes even more prominent for a widow or a divorcee.
Although this lens for widows and divorcees seems understandable because there is certainty about their exposure and the assumption that they must have acquired a habit or pattern, it is equally exaggerated and most times aggravates judgment and suspicion.
Some men only need a clue to know that a woman is divorced, separated or widowed and suddenly begin to salivate in appetite with the feeling that she must be quietly in need, that she needs help and would thank them by entertaining advances.
This myth is also aggravated by the way we pay attention and choose what to believe selectively. For example, if a woman comes out to reveal to a religious cleric like a Mallam or pastor that she has been restless and overwhelmed with urge since the loss of her husband or divorce and she does not want to cheat, it becomes proof that women cannot do without intimacy like men. This only adds pressure for women to remarry quickly after divorce or loss for fear and anxiety that she may not be able to control herself.
I became curious about this after reading real-life confessions of many women who admitted they do not really enjoy intimacy and only do it as a matter of necessity or obligation even with their husbands. Some confess that even as married women they receive advances from men who do not know that even with their husbands they have not really enjoyed the thing, let alone going out to give it to another.
This contradicts what many men think about women’s urge for intimacy.
I also observe a greater commitment on the side of women to be faithful when they are married than men. A social media influencer recently posted on her page that the day she gets married and cheats on her husband, God should take her life that day, something many followers were not comfortable with and told her not to make such comments.
This reflection is inspired by the recent tragedy of a lecturer who died after an extramarital affair with a young woman. The report says, AAU Lecturer Found Dead In Edo Hotel Room After ‘Having Fun’ With 21-Year-Old Lady.
So if men cheat they don’t necessarily do it with fellow men but with women, so how can women be said to be more innocent?
The trouble is that the masculine gender is wired by culture to make advances and confidently engage in affairs with multiple girls more than the female gender. Many women even with such intentions would rather wait for a man to act first because they cannot toast a man. This cultural trait, what sociologists call sexual script theory, has reduced the chance for the female to be tempted as a matter of entitlement.
So many girls could be victims of men’s higher libido or urge for multiple partners. I once captured this reality in an essay with the title: “Is There Really Such a Thing as No Good Woman?” It acknowledges the fact that every no good woman becomes no good by a no good man.
There is another query that girls have higher tendency to date many boys in order to reduce risk of betrayal and disappointment or as a way of assessing their strength and suitability. However, this is not synonymous with urge for intimacy but compelled by societal pressure and what psychologists call mate choice copying and strategic pluralism.
So what does science really say? This is one of the most studied questions in sexual psychology, and research is quite consistent even if individual differences are bigger than gender differences. On average, men report higher spontaneous sexual desire. Large meta-analyses by Roy Baumeister, Kathleen Catanese and Kathleen Vohs found men report more frequent sexual thoughts, more frequent fantasies and higher desired frequency.
Testosterone is linked to libido in both sexes, but men on average have 10 to 20 times higher circulating levels which correlates with more spontaneous arousal. Women more often report what Rosemary Basson, former president of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health, described as responsive desire, desire that emerges after emotional intimacy and closeness, rather than a spontaneous urge out of nowhere. This does not mean women want it less intensely when they want it, it means the trigger is different.
Studies on abstinence and distress also show men report higher frustration and restlessness during prolonged abstinence, while women report they can tolerate longer periods without sex with less psychological distress but report higher distress from prolonged lack of emotional intimacy and touch. The evolutionary psychology framework of David Buss and the social role framework of Sandra Bem both point to the same outcome, that men are more distressed by sexual deprivation and women by emotional deprivation, but neither sex is biologically incapable of abstinence.
In representative national surveys, married men say they would ideally want intimacy two to three times per week, married women on average say one to two times. In reality actual frequency converges to what the couple negotiates. Men are more likely to initiate, women are more likely to be the ones who decide if it happens, a pattern researchers call the gatekeeper dynamic.
Professor Janet Hyde’s Gender Similarities Hypothesis reminds us that men and women are far more similar than different, that libido is driven more by age, health, stress, relationship quality and personal values than by gender alone, and a high-libido woman will have far more desire than a low-libido man.
In short, on population average, men show higher spontaneous craving, higher preferred frequency and lower tolerance for long abstinence, while women on average show more context-dependent desire where emotional connection and safety are stronger determinants. But in any individual couple, it can easily be the reverse, and that is why the myth that women cannot do without it says more about our suspicions than about their reality.
bagudumohammed15197@gmail.com
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Bagudu Mohammed is the founder of Alternative Perspectives, a widely read commentary platform on social media. It offers evidence-based analysis and real-life insights as a credible alternative to groupthink, convenient narratives, and echo chambers. The platform explores a wide range of issues, including politics, society, relationships, governance, and contemporary trends.
Web: https://alternativeperspective.onrender.com
