“Do you think President Bola Ahmed Tinubu will revisit his ambassadorial-nominee list, seeing the avalanche of criticisms that have trailed some of the names on the list? Some of them have even been rejected by the countries they were posted to!”
“Haba! People! Why can’t we for once see something positive in Emilokan? Should the ambassadorial list be the topic at this moment when the whole of Great Britain stands at attention for Nigeria and its president? For your information, they are no longer nominees but ambassador-designates, having been cleared by the Senate…”
“Rubber-stamp senate! A camel will pass through the eyes of a needle with those so-called senators…”
“Call them whatever you like! The senators have done their job of screening and confirming the nominees. The last hurdle is for the country of accreditation to screen their papers and accept or reject them for reasons best known to those countries…”
“Are you aware that some of them have already been rejected? It shows the tardiness of the Tinubu administration and its penchant for not doing its homework well.”
“It is now that I know you are ignorant of how some of these things work! Tardiness or no tardiness, homework or no homework, home governments can come up with a thousand-and-one reasons to reject any ambassador-designate. An ambassador that has been at his post for donkey years can also be sent packing overnight. That is in the nature of those appointments.”
“I am surprised that you are defending the indefensible…”
“Feel free to be surprised! What I am saying is that the ambassadorial list should not be the rave of the moment when the whole of Great Britain’s royalty stands still for Nigeria and its leader. We are the cynosure of all eyes the world over…”
“Congratulations!”
“Thank you!”
“But does that put food on your table? Does it solve any of Nigeria’s myriad problems?”
“Food! Food! Food! Some people don’t know more than food! Which is why they are already agitating for palliatives because of the US-Israel/Iran war. When are we going to learn our lessons? What did the previous palliative measures palliate? Were they not mere smokescreens and opportunities for those in charge to fleece the country and enrich themselves at the expense of the suffering masses?”
“So you expect the people to simply fold their arms and not cry out?”
“Nigeria is not the only country being affected by the fall-outs from the US-Israel war with Iran. Have you seen any other country doling out billions in cash to their citizens? Rather, they are addressing the problem with policies that have long-lasting effects, not the fire-brigade and panicky measures that we adopt here…”
“The more reason why Emilokan should have canceled or at least postponed his so-called state visit jamboree to address pressing problems at home. Imagine him sitting at a state dinner or banquet when he was supposed to be observing the Ramadan fast!”
“If you unavoidably miss a few days of any obligatory fast, you can make up for it afterwards. There are provisions for that. Besides, the state visit is part of the solutions to our problems that Mr. President is assiduously working at. It’s an opportunity of a life-time…”
“Thank you for the last leg of your argument! The state visit is an opportunity of a lifetime – just like becoming our president was Emilokan’s lifetime ambition! But must one man achieve all his lifetime ambitions on the back of suffering Nigerians?”
“If you were in his shoes, would you have acted differently? Let’s try and be objective in some of the things we say. The golden rule is ‘do unto others’…”
“Exactly! Which is why I expected you to know that King Charles and Great Britain are not being altruistic about this state visit. It is not because they love Emilokan or Nigeria or even that they have forgotten so soon that one of their recent prime ministers, David Cameron, described Nigeria as a ‘fantastically corrupt country.’ They are merely trying to use us to achieve their own selfish interest.”
“And what is wrong with that? Was it not Lord Palmerston, a 19th century British statesman, that made the famous statement that nations have no permanent friends or enemies but permanent interests? Every nation uses all the weapons at their disposal to pursue and advance their national interests…”
“Oh-oo! You see what I mean? The state visit is just a means of advancing Britain’s national interests. Meanwhile, we are gallivanting and fawning, wasting scarce resources on Emilokan’s habitually bloated entourage and thinking we are something important…”
“Have you not heard it said that ‘Cunny man die, Cunny man bury am’? Diplomacy is a game. Play-your-own, I-play-my-own. Emilokan and his entourage, our egg-heads and other professionals knowledgeable in such matters should rub minds and beat Great Britain at its game…”
“That is not possible! The English are reputed as the masters of diplomacy…”
“And Nigerians are reputed as the masters of subterfuge! Didn’t you hear King Charles himself acknowledge that ‘Naija no dey carry last’?”
“He was just humouring us! With President Donald Trump insulting and rubbishing his NATO allies, Europe is looking elsewhere for succour. They are reviving the 1815 Concert of Europe, dead since 1914, and forming a new Eurocentric defence arrangement that bypasses the United States. Britain is trying to revive its moribund empire – the Commonwealth…”
“You may be correct! The Commonwealth has lost its glory. The last time I heard of it making waves was when Nigeria’s Emeka Anyaoku was its Secretary-General…”
“The same man who came here, visited MKO Abiola in detention, in company with the then Number Two man, Admiral Okhai Akhigbe, and MKO died shortly afterwards?
“Yes, but don’t insinuate anything. It is useless crying over spilled milk. Just like Britain may be trying to take advantage of us, we also should try and make the best use of the opportunity as the hub around which they want to build their resurgence and regain their lost glory as a dominant world power…”
“The more reason we cannot be flippant with ambassadorial nomination! Who represents us on the world stage – their competence and clout – will determine to a large extent whether or not we make the best use of begging opportunities…”
“That is true, but don’t forget that ambassadorial nomination also lends itself to political patronage…”
“That is exactly the point I am trying to make! Political patronage should not trump the need to put square pegs in square holes. Besides, who represents us in foreign countries is a reflection of who we are. If thieves or confirmed criminals, then…”
“I understand, but…”
“Especially when Emilokan himself has his own alleged reputational challenges with regard to one of the world’s most important diplomatic capitals. Should someone with controversial records and tainted integrity be posted to represent us in the same location? What message are we sending to the world? Or has he been posted there for a purpose?”
“I hope you are not insinuating again! Anyway, there is no cause for alarm! E lo f’ókan ba’le, as Emilokan himself would say! Our president has a reputation for listening to public opinion and deferring to it, if it makes sense to him…”
“Why it made sense to appoint this man in the first place baffles me. What is he bringing to the table? Bags and baggage full of scandals? It is not even as if he is jobless, being a senator as it were! Tell me, why him?”
“There are things those of them in power know that we ordinary mortals do not know. For instance, I was wondering why a particular widow should be given an ambassadorial appointment when those who know better than I did explained that her appointment was a posthumous award to her late husband, a two-term governor of one of the south-west states…”
“Imagine! They are still compensating someone who is dead? What for?”
“I cannot tell!”
“But can you tell why someone steeped in controversies and mired in scandals, whose name is corruption personified, should represent this country in an important diplomatic capital abroad? Or have you not followed the trending news of the countless atrocities…?”
“A man or a woman?”
“Ah-aa? Were you not in this country? The man has a negative Midas touch. Whatever he touches turns to dust. He ruins everything he touches or comes in contact with. He ruined a media organisation. He ran an airline aground. A big hotel collapsed on his head. He ate up a flagship insurance company. The energy sector was not spared his avaricious appetite…”
”Really? How then did he run for and win an election? Who cleared him to run? And who voted for him?”
“That is the Nigerian debacle! Corruption and the technicalities of the law. That such a person can be nominated in the first place, can be vetted and be given the all-cleared nod by the security agencies, and can scale through screening at the senate, a stunt diminutive Nasir el-Rufai could not perform, tells you that this person is not an ordinary person.”
“Truly, there must be more to this man than meets the eyes. Maybe the media should help us unravel the mystery behind the man…”
“Which media? Were they among his first set of victims? I read the story of how he effortlessly outwitted them and couldn’t believe my eyes.”
“One of the tragic flaws of our journalists is that they know the editorial side of journalism but lack requisite knowledge of its business side. Hence the graveyard of many once-upon-a-time news mediums.”
“I see! So, guess what happens when the international media gets hold of the dossier of this ambassador. Just imagine the embarrassment the country will suffer when media organizations like Aljazzera, which pull no punches, engage this man. He will be worse than Daniel Bwala.”
“There is a way out! If by fire by force the man must be made an ambassador, then post him to one obscure corner of the world; like Armenia, for instance, or Azerbaijan…”
“What is that?”
“Far-away countries in some hidden corners of the world where the odious stench of the man will least assault our sensibilities…”
“But is this how a country should be governed?”
“How else should a Banana Republic be governed?”
“Are you by any means insinuating…”
“Save your breath! The jury is out on that already! As we await their verdict, let’s celebrate President Bola Ahmed Tinubu’s state visit to Britain. I could hear Nigerians in the crowd screaming, ‘I am proud to be a Nigerian’…”
“But did you not also hear those yelling at Tinubu to go back home and face the myriad problems bedevilling the country? The Nigerian media was generally negative about the state visit…”
“That is in the historical nature of the Nigerian media as an adversarial press, with its DNA rooted in the fight against the colonial authorities. So, Nigeria’s media are historically not authority-friendly. Besides, bad news travels faster and sells better than good news…”
“I see! What news do you think Emilokan will bring back from London – good or bad news?”
“I suspect it could be something like: E lo f’okan ba’le! Brother Charles has agreed to support my re-election bid in 2027 by helping me to fulfill my 2023 election campaign promise of providing constant power supply to Nigerians – failure which, I said they should not vote for me in 2027!”
“Akikaaa!”
Barka de Sallah to my esteemed readers!
Former editor of PUNCH newspapers, Chairman of its Editorial Board and Deputy Editor-in-chief, BOLAWOLE was also the Managing Director/Editor-in-chief of The Westerner news magazine. He writes the ON THE LORD’S DAY column in the Sunday Tribune and TREASURES column in New Telegraph newspaper on Wednesdays. He is also a public affairs analyst on radio and television.
