“I’m happily married, but marriage isn’t worth it,” she declared.
The post continued: “A lady has shared her thoughts on marriage, despite describing her union as a happy one. In a video shared online, she said, ‘Marriage isn’t worth it. This is coming from someone who is happily married, and my husband is supportive.’ She advised people not to see marriage as something that completes them, encouraging them to explore life and enjoy themselves. ‘Don’t think marriage is going to complete you. Marriage is hard work,’ she added.”
At first glance, the statement feels paradoxical, almost like a riddle wrapped in lived experience. How can happiness coexist with a sense of unworthiness? The confusion, perhaps, lies in the expectations we attach to marriage and the standards by which we judge what is “worth it.” In social theory, this tension mirrors what scholars call expectation-disconfirmation theory, in which satisfaction is shaped not merely by outcomes but by the gap between expectations and reality. When expectations are inflated, often by romantic ideals, media portrayals, or societal pressure, the reality, no matter how decent, may feel insufficient.
This kind of judgment rarely emerges in a vacuum. It is often rooted in exaggerated expectations or illusions about what marriage should be. Sociologists like Anthony Giddens argue that modern relationships are increasingly driven by what he calls the “pure relationship”, a union sustained only by emotional satisfaction rather than duty or structure. When emotional returns fluctuate, as they naturally do, individuals begin to question the value of the institution itself.
Marriage motives, however, have never been singular. Across cultures and contexts, they remain diverse and layered, ranging from love and companionship to financial stability, family continuity, social recognition, and religious obligation. In Nigeria, these motivations intertwine even more deeply, where marriage is not just a personal decision but a communal and cultural milestone. It embodies identity, dignity, and belonging. So then, what truly makes a marriage “worth it”?
For some, marriage is worthwhile because it elevates their social status, fulfills societal expectations, and affirms their desirability and emotional capability. For others, its worth is measured through children, stability, and legacy. Still, others locate its value in mutual respect, emotional intimacy, shared goals, and the quiet strength of companionship. Psychologists like Abraham Maslow would suggest that marriage often operates at multiple levels of human need, from belongingness and love to esteem and even self-actualization when partners grow together meaningfully.
Yet, many are drawn into marriage by the promise of support, protection, emotional safety, and financial security. When these expectations are met, marriage is often described as fulfilling. But when they are strained or unmet, even a “happy” marriage may begin to feel burdensome. This brings us back to the lady’s paradox: perhaps her happiness exists, but it coexists with the weight of responsibility she did not fully anticipate.
And this is where many people falter. Preparation for a worthy marriage does not begin at the wedding ceremony, nor does it start with finding a lovable partner. It begins years earlier, much like education. It is a gradual formation of character, resilience, and practical competence.
I have witnessed this reality closely. I have seen my wife rise early each day, preparing the children for school, planning meals, managing work responsibilities, and attending to endless caregiving duties. It is a cycle that barely pauses, especially for women nurturing young children. These are not abstract ideas; they are lived realities that test endurance daily.
She once told me that as the first daughter in her family, she began cooking and assisting her mother as early as age ten. Today, our daughter is already acquiring skills that, frankly, I did not learn at her age. Recently, a parent complained to her school that students should not be made to sweep classrooms, arguing it causes delays in getting home. But I found myself supporting the school’s position. Such practices are not punishments; they are training grounds for building resilience, responsibility, and time management. Life is unpredictable, and these early lessons often become the foundation for future competence.
I even recalled a story circulating in the news about a PhD holder in Nigeria, reportedly a Head of Department, who was denied a cleaning job in the United States due to a lack of experience in basic tasks like mopping. It was a humbling reminder that education without practical life skills can leave one unprepared for reality. Religious traditions, too, frame marriage not as mere pleasure but as responsibility and service. In Islam, marriage is regarded as an act of faith, a form of worship, and a means of completing half of one’s faith.
Similarly, both the Qur’an and the Bible emphasize companionship, tranquility, and moral responsibility within marriage. These perspectives align with functionalist theories in sociology, which view marriage as a stabilizing institution essential for social order and continuity.
Marriage, therefore, is less about fun and more about function, though moments of joy certainly exist within it. If it were purely about convenience or pleasure, practices like polygamy, which inherently increase responsibility, would not be historically associated with sacrifice, courage, or even spiritual fulfillment in certain contexts. The very existence of such systems underscores that marriage, at its core, is about duty and capacity.
To be responsible for a family daily is no small task. It demands skills cultivated over years, not days. When individuals enter marriage without adequate preparation, whether in emotional maturity, domestic skills, or financial readiness, the weight can become overwhelming. Consider a woman who has never learned to cook, now juggling that alongside childcare and other responsibilities. Or a man unprepared to provide or manage financial pressures. Even shifting societal expectations, such as women now asking men if they can cook, reflect a changing understanding of shared responsibility and mindset.
For many, especially those who rely heavily on the expectation of wealth to outsource responsibilities through house helps, caregivers, or cooks, the collapse of such expectations can be devastating. What once seemed enjoyable, even intimacy, may begin to feel burdensome under the psychology of stress, scarcity, and unmet needs. Research in family psychology consistently shows that financial strain and role overload are among the strongest predictors of marital dissatisfaction.
Marriage, however, remains worthwhile when built on resilience, preparation, and a realistic understanding of its demands. It is not merely about happiness but about meaning, growth, and continuity. Its worth is not in the absence of hardship but in the capacity to endure, adapt, and still find purpose within it.
Perhaps, then, the lady’s statement is not entirely wrong, but incomplete. Marriage may not be “worth it” when measured against illusion. But when understood as a lifelong process of service, growth, and shared humanity, its worth becomes not just visible but profound.
Bagudu can be reached via bagudumohammed15197@gmail.com or 07034943575.
