Ladies, today l want to talk to you specifically. Guys too. You have sisters that may benefit from this article.
See the lyrics below. Heard the song before?
‘‘shebi na you be player,
you turn me to your maga why?
I know say you be trouble
but nothing wey I fit do,
cos I realise say na so you dey do,
you turn me to Mumu,
when you go you come back
you say nothing wey I go do.
na so you dey do,
you turn me to Mumu,
you see say I no mind cos baby you know
you know I’m going on 29
so it’s too late
and you know say husband dey hard to find
so its too late…’
These are lines from a song by my favourite Nigerian singer. The first time l heard the song, the sonorous voice of the singer and the melody of the song made me listen. Seconds later, something else caught my attention. THE LYRICS.
Obviously, this lady is in a relationship that is bad news but she won’t let go. Not because her man makes her feel like a real woman. It isn’t because he is her definition of what Romeo was to Juliet or Jack was to Rose. She won’t let the guy go because she is going to be twenty nine and ‘HUSBANDS DEY HARD TO FIND.’
I was forced to remember this song a few days ago. A friend’s sister is planning to get married. For over one hour, on a visit to my friend’s, this sister of hers kept complaining about her husband to be. He drinks too much, he’s a womanizer. He even smokes hemp. She said if she could help it, she would not go through with the wedding.
“ But you can help it, you know?” l told her. “ If you don’t feel good about it, then don’t do it.”
“ It’s not that easy. I’m 29 years old. I have been with Austine for four years now. How do l start afresh if l leave him? You want make l old for my papa house? You know say husband de scarce.”
We laughed when she said that. My friend totally agreed with her and because l didn’t want to seem as a spoil sport, l kept my thoughts to myself.
All the while l sat there, Simi’s song kept playing in my head. You see that song? It is one that l know a lot of bachelorettes in their mid twenties to thirties can relate to. Husband dey hard to find so even if the bobo is bad news, she must get married to him at all cost.
It is no hidden secret that our society has made it such that when a woman is in her mid twenties going on to thirty, the pressure on her to get married intensifies. When she approaches her mid thirties with no husband to call her own, it gets worse. Society begins to tag her with names that are quite derogatory. Most often than not, because she wants to escape from all the pressures and negativity surrounding singlehood especially for a woman within her age range, she’s just about ready to say ‘I do’ to a man she would rather not have said yes to if she were the young and starry eyed girl she was some years back. God help her if she has a mother, aunties and married girlfriends who won’t stop singing it into her ears that age is no longer on her side and HUSBAND DEY HARD TO FIND. The worry that arises from the pressure that comes from family and society, l must say, is out of this world. This has led to many a woman, walking down the aisle with just about any man that pops the question, “ will you marry me? ” Even when she knows he’s bad news for her, the fear of being unmarried doesn’t let her see the dangers of marrying a man that is not good for her.
Now, why should a woman get married to just about any man she isn’t in tune with because age is no longer friends with her? Why Should she go ahead to ensure he pops those magical words accompanied with a ring even when she knows deep inside that, marriage with that person won’t give her the much desired “happily ever after?”
I have seen women whose desire was to get married quickly and shortly after saying “l do,” wished they could turn back the hands of time. I bet you have seen them too. I have seen some standing so high on the desperation ladder, they are ready to do just about anything to have a MRS attached to their names. These include getting pregnant, taking a friend’s man, becoming a second or even third wife or feeding the man with a love potion. The latest trend being the “ Kayan Mata ” hype that has taken social media by storm.
I remember my school mother having her heart broken by one man friend whom I didn’t even like at the time. Every effort to get married after then, kept hitting the rocks. School mum was under intense pressure that when runaway boyfriend came back some years later, dragging around a huge beer gut and bleary eyes that gave him the looks of someone who was always drunk, she was ready to hop into the car with him and take a ride down marriage lane. Problem was, dude was already married. Did my school mother give a hoot? Hell no! l still remember her word, ” May husband no dey town. Even if l be wife number two, no be me go be the first. l don tire to dey without husband at my age”.
Sadly she’s just one out of the many hordes of such women.
l don’t know for men but l know that one of the reasons why some women who are overdue for marriage want to get married is, so they can rest from the pressures that society has placed upon them. For that reason, some of them keep themselves glued to the wrong man. For such women, marriage at all cost, thus becomes an escape route from society’s searchlight.
Ladies, l have a question. ls the desire to escape from societal pressures and judgement worth risking ones marital happiness for? little wonder, divorce cases are on the rise. Worse still, the media is awash with stories of women who have lost their lives at the hands of a spouse and women who have murdered a spouse because their marriage was anything but happy. Even Just listening to some women talk bitterly about their spouse, scares the jeepers out of some of us still single.
ln order to avoid such stories that “touch the heart, “wouldn’t it be good if we threw away the desperado tag some of us have so unconsciously placed around our necks? The way l see it is, if you’ve stayed so long without being married, why not just WAIT AND GET IT RIGHT?
I heard those words from someone l call big aunty. When she couldn’t get married at the time she wanted, it was a hard ball to swallow. Everyone around her seemed to be getting married except her. She got so desperate and worried, she made all the wrong moves. Until one day, she told herself she wasn’t going to checkmate her happiness that way. She figured since she had stayed so long, she might as well wait and get it right. She buried herself in her job. When the proposals starting coming in, she turned them down because they didn’t feel right.Then one day, God gave her a special gift. She told me she knows she doesn’t deserve the man she married because he’s too good for her. She waited and God gave her his own special package. They are still married and from all indications, they are enjoying their marriage.
Of course l know that there are women who are in a fulfilled relationship and are patiently waiting for the dude to pop the question. I also know that there are women who aren’t in a relationship but they are also patiently waiting for the dude to come knocking on the door. If he isn’t their definition of a spouse, they nicely but surely shut the door in his face until the right man comes knocking. To such women, I say kudos.
And to the “I must get married to that bobo by hook or crook “group, I have this to say.
Marriage is beautiful but it can only be beautiful when you are married to someone who makes waking up beside him every morning, feel like a new day in paradise. When those stormy moments of marriage come, he is beside you whispering, “baby I ain’t going nowhere. Don’t worry, we will weather the storm together.” So which is better? Being married to just about any man because age is no longer on your side or being married to the right man even if he’s slow in coming?
In the words of Simi ,HUSBAND IS HARD TO FIND but in God’s time, he makes all things beautiful. I pray that we receive the grace and the peace of mind to JUST WAIT (for his time) AND GET IT RIGHT.