Golf, sex and back surgery

I saw her at the airport

Splendid in white

I went up to her and said,

‘If you are not too busy,

We could spend all day having sex’

She slapped me and walked away….

Twenty minutes later, she came back,

She stood very close and said,

‘Did you mean that?

I was still smarting from the slap

My face red from the insult

I moved to rub my face and

My hands accidentally touched her breasts

‘No’, I said

She looked at me and pursed her lips

‘Your loss’, she said

Then knocked me on the head

I said, ‘You are a hard woman’

She said, ‘I wish you were; hard, that is’

I said, ‘If your heart was as soft as your breasts’

She said, ‘If your penis is as hard as your head’

I had no reply to that

My face was still smarting

Her stare was penetrating

I tried to distract her attention

 ‘I am off to Portharcourt to watch a golf competition’, I said

She laughed and said,

‘Did you hear about the golfer with a hard-on who ran into a wall?’

‘He broke his nose’ she finished.

‘Golfers talk about a hole in one’

‘Instead of putting one in the hole’

Then she laughed heartily at her own private joke

I did not find it funny, of course

Perhaps she thought I was a golfer

Golf, I hear is addictive

Truth be told, I hate anything addictive

So, is Salsa dancing, by the way?

All the twists and turns with a girl

I gave up salsa when I started dancing in my sleep!

Does things to your head, it does

Anyway, back to the subject at hand

I invited her to have a drink with me

She said, ‘Man, we are in the airport’

‘No alcohol before breakfast’

But, we did go and have coffee instead

I had Coffee and croissants,

In case you were wondering.

She asked for eggs

I said, ‘How do you like your eggs in the morning’

‘Totally unfertilized’, she said

She got the joke and

We got on famously.

Turns out she is headed to PH too

Oh well, what a flight this would be!

Tiger Woods

The biggest story in golf at the moment is the decline of the Grand Master of golf, Tiger Woods. Tiger is now apparently down in the ratings to number 508. This followed 3 back surgeries and countless other injuries to his knees and Achilles tendon. Truth is the World Number 1 is no more.

Back surgery and golf do not really go well together. The thing is that golf puts an enormous strain on the back and operations further damage the muscles and ligaments. This makes recovery particularly difficult and long. No way can you attain the heights of serious competitive golf without further damaging something.

Of course, the surgeries that Tiger has had are simply not definitive because they are trying to patch him up, doing as little as possible. He needs a definitive fusion operation which will put a definitive stop to his career. The waiting goes on.

The thing with back surgeries though is that you have one chance to get it right: the first time, the first operation! Second and third operations do not get as good a result as the first time. But, if you have to re-operate, then really there is little choice. Re-operations can be done for pain or neurological deficits like numbness and weakness.

We were on an Arik flight

Sat side by side

And boy, it left on time

Got to Portharcourt no problem

And then returned to Abuja

Something about the landing lights!

Landed alright in Abuja

Then, off we were again to PH

3 hours with the same woman

I didn’t know I could last that long!

In flight, no entertainment

And damn shitty food

I asked her, ‘Would you have time to play around in PH’

‘No’, she said, ‘I don’t like golf’

‘Around, not a round’, I said

‘I know’, she said

I had no answer to that

I suppose golf is akin to sex

Once you get a hole in one

You keep trying again

Periods of euphoria

Mixed with depression

I hear golfers wear two pants

Just in case they get a hole in one

But, I digress!

We got to PH

And the golf club celebrating a tournament

Men walking straight

Women walking lopsided

Perhaps reflecting the swing of the golfers!

Hahaha, wedges and slices

Swings and puts!

I was here to talk about spine

Spine surgery actually

In the heart of the Garden City

No need to go to America

If you need spine surgery

The Tiger example all too real

Local advice and expertise

Now available on & off the golf course

With massage and physio

From the lady in white

Who has soft fingers,

And a dirty mouth!

Not that I would know!

Though we did spend all day together

Learning all about golf

And a hole in one!

Spine surgery in PH

Patients who have severe back and leg pains due to arthritis of the spine may be offered back operation. Spine operations are more commonly used to treat lower back pain resulting from a damaged or degenerate intervertebral disc (the shock absorber between the bones), or spondylolisthesis (slip of one bone on the other). The goal here is to stabilise the spine so that pain (and sometimes deformity) is reduced.

Operations are also used to treat lower leg pain resulting from pressure on a nerve or nerves in the back. The goal then is to free the nerves from pressure and so stop pain, numbness and weakness in the legs. Surgery is usually recommended when all reasonable conservative measures (pain medications, nerve injections, physical therapies, braces etc.) have failed. It is often the last resort unless there are special circumstances like severe nerve injury that makes it the number one priority.

So if you need a back operation: The operations can be performed safely in PH, Nigeria. Be clear in your mind that you have exhausted all other reasonable treatments such as weight loss, regular exercise (golf?), medication and even meditation. Be prayerful and trust in your surgeon for a successful outcome. Have no fear and trust in God to heal you.

Or trust in golf and the lady in white!

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